'When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me' – Psalm 94:18
Life can seem so incomplete without a plan. I place so many expectations on myself and become obsessed with fulfilling them, leaving myself disappointed and feeling worthless when I don’t meet those expectations. On nights when I feel restless and lost, I find myself frantically searching for something that will make me feel more valued and validated, whether it be a masters course, a job or a relationship. I have been feeling an overwhelming sense, lately, that my desperate search will never end. I thrive off of change. The thought of routine and living in one place frightens me, yet I sense that the only reason I keep moving is because I am searching for a reason to stay. I have the fortune of being able to travel and live in many places, however, what I lack is somewhere to call home. Perhaps that’s what I’m searching for? It never used to bother me so much because my family was my home. Now that we are scattered all over the world however, and I find myself living apart from them, I am floundering for something to hold onto.
Life has been so transient for the past two years, that I find myself yearning for a sense of normality. Unfortunately the prospect of moving again in a few months, and the lack of direction has been a struggle for me recently. My heart is pulling me in three directions and I have no conceivable idea of which way to go. In the meantime I am slowly chiselling away at the wall of defenses that is attempting to build itself around me again. As I continue to establish a routine, I have been searching for opportunities to be involved in the church and develop connections outside of work and home. I have joined a house church, volunteered to help with the branding and graphic design at church and have been praying about joining the worship team. Vulnerability is so difficult, yet I find it is when I’m vulnerable that I form closer bonds and friendships; ones that I haven’t had in over ten years. It remains a daily challenge to be myself, particularly with those other than Becca and Taylor. I still struggle with a deep-rooted fear of loss, and knowing that I may no longer live here in a couple months frightens me.
My time at work is divided between developing the Mexico project and preparing for a trip to Nigeria! My previous project trip to Nigeria in January was cancelled due to security risks in the country, however, I have since been asked to join a team of engineers on another trip to Nigeria on a different project. Unlike the previous assignment, we will be working on developing another campus for Benson Idahosa University in Benin City, Nigeria. While the security remains an issue, we will be living on a secured campus site in the city where we will be safe. My tickets have been booked and we leave on March 31 and subsequently return on April 12. Often the most exciting things in life are unexpected, and I am excited to see what God has in store for me on this trip. While this trip presents some challenges in regards to juggling two projects and transition, I believe God has his hands in it all. I continue to pray for guidance and strength.
I would appreciate prayer as I continue preparations for Nigeria. Pray for safety, health and strength on the trip. Please be prayerful that my fear doesn’t hinder me from getting involved and pursuing opportunities and relationships in Calgary. As our Mexico project develops, we have encountered some setbacks, so prayer for clarity and patience would be appreciated. I feel very overwhelmed at times with the scope of work, but I am reminded of the ministry we are working for, and this unique work that God has blessed me with.